The Final Wait

A consuming apprehensive emotion overwhelmed me an hour before the final result of my Physics subject has been disclosed. Waiting for the clock to stroke every second was considered to be a lifetime of restless agony in a death-row chamber. The judgment day of my breaking free to the real world, a verdict to pass on and an exit ticket ride to step out through the academic gate of knowledge. The final day of my six years in this University, in this hour, this unbearable moment of insufferable waiting was a velvet rope that tied me and hindered me to jump off the plane to see the savage garden of the bona fide world of the living, the world of the corporate dreams of triumphs and the dimensional success that drives human to be great. I had to pass through that gate, I had to jump off that plane or if I hadn’t! The rest of the world would perish and the making of the dream would come along with it. All that I have worked for will be nothing, a subject for oblivion.

It was passed five in the afternoon and every corner of the building was dimmed and gloomy, giving way for the darkness of the night to take its place momentarily. I was outside of the Physics Department, at the 4^th floor of the Engineering Building at the back of the humongous University. I was waiting for the proclamation of my verdict, if I passed or failed, I was anxious to know where I stand. I was thinking of a trial, a witch trial of the ancient day Scotland were witches was put on stand to be burned alive, a very inhumane annihilation. But that was different, that was a different thing! I could have severed myself from the burning for it was the physicality that was at stake. It would be brutality on its highest form if I’d be burned alive, but death would consume me eventually after the flame and all the vestige of the corporeal pain would come to pass, it would be over. My judgment was a different kind; it was more of the deepest emotion that rooted in my heart of hearts, a small decay that would ate me bit by bit until everything has been consumed. All that was left was a living corpse, a lifeless being, defeated from the battle. In second I forgot to breathe, aghast and rattled by the thought that I could not bear it if I failed. What would the future holds? How would I live my life or reached my dream if I would be glued for another semester to endure this unrelated and ridiculous impediment. I would be damned if I go through it again!

I was startled when a voice of my professor echoed in my ear. My graphic memory of him described him as a petite like a ten year old kid; his body was slender in form, skinhead and thorough looking man, I’d considered him as average but cunning like an eagle looking for a prey. He called my name with his soft and tingling voice telling me to follow him to his desk. I followed shortly and seated myself in front of his table parallel to him. He was browsing on his record book. The suspense was killing me, gently killing me as I was hearing my heartbeat racing like a stallion in an open field. I was suffocating I couldn’t breathe, unable to move as if my body was submerged in a frozen sea in Antarctica. He looked at me with his serious look. I was afraid the way he looked at me. There was no expression in his face, as if he was lifeless. For a moment he put a mask of a heartless being who didn’t care about anything else but to inflict pain and suffering to humanity. He was calculating my face, it’s like he was enjoying my agony and wanting to prolong it for his amusement! I wanted to kill him for that or throw him into the pit and buried him alive. Then he smiled his vicious smile and told me to look at my score. Then I held my breath, I held my breath for all its worth.

I looked meticulously in his record book while I was holding my breath. It was the time of my life were breathing was irrelevant and it’s when I forgot the whole world and the only thing that matter was my score, my key to the gate, my axe to break the chain to set myself free. The minute I saw my score I was numbed, I felt like my soul has been separated from my body and went somewhere else to escape the drama in my head. I commanded all my flexes to move and seated back to the chair. I passed! I passed the subject with flying pastel colors. I was shocked and I couldn’t let myself to speak, there was no voice coming out from my mouth and it seemed like my tongue was tangled inside. But there was timbre, a strong timbre building inside of me ascending to my esophagus formulating a loud shout, but I couldn’t hear any sound in me, I felt deafness engulfed my whole body and the only sound I heard was the raging emotion that wanted to break free. I said my word of thanks to my professor and in second I stormed out of the department to get some air.

I ran. I ran as fast as I could out of the building down to the open field. Darkness stretched the horizon and the only light illuminating the field was the light coming from the different building inside the campus. I was catching my breath, tears descending from my face like the Amazon River, wild and careless as it was, but it was overflowing, pouring all the hard work, the pain, the sleepless night, the anxiety and fear of not being able to get my degree in a full growl. The six years flashes in my mind as if I was watching a scene in a movie, every single of it, a different genre compressed in a short documentary in my head. I cried, hard as it was for every person who help me along the way, I cried for my mother, her hard work has been paid off well. My triumphed for that day was not mine for the taking; it was for my mother and for her alone. I passed the subject and I was proud to call myself a graduate in my chosen field! Ha! At last!

As I looked up in heaven I saw the stars shining in the darkness of the enormity of the sky. I send my prayer of thanks to my God for the answered prayer, for everything that I’d been through I send my praises. Thank You!

The final wait was the visual definition of hell with its blazing glory of fire. It was a suspense thriller of erratic heartbeat but in the end there was winning; there was the claiming of the prize, the jumping of the plane to take chance and the opening of the gate. The breaking free, this freedom in the palm of my hand was definitely worth the wait.